Impotent Rage: Dealing with Aggressive, Violent Bullies
I am now 50. I remember as a young child seeing Isreal Palestine Lebanon conflict on the TV and wondering what it was all about.
Years later, I was working for an Equity trading company in NY and London when the planes hit the twin towers on 9/11 and killed many many many of our wider trading community. This fundamentally changed my life.
From that point I sought to understand how this incredible atrocity had seeming come from nowhere. I read books by investigative journalists, philosophers, economists, socialists, historians (selected reading just included below).
I quickly noticed how Israel Palestine was often mentioned alongside 9/11, and realised how this terrible unfolding of events had not come from nowhere, it was just me who was asleep.
I later volunteered on a project with the Israeli, Palestinian and our UK Teachers union with EduKid charity with the aim of removing anti-semitism and Islamaphobia from the school curriculum taught in schools across Israel and Palestine. This deepened my awareness and understanding of the difficulties in this region.
I travelled across Israel and Palestine across a number of visits speaking to a wide range of people; teachers, young people, political people, community leaders, shop owners, everyday people. EduKid also made short films following 4 or 5 young people and their journey to and from and experience of school.
I feel emotional remembering this as I write this and this is what's motivating me to write this for you today and share my key realisations in case they help you:
Regardless of politics, this conflict may be hugely triggering.
Anyone who has been in relationship with a spiteful narcissist - always the victim, punishing those around them for perceived slights, treating others so unfairly - or more dangerously a narcissistic sociopath ‘charming killers' - will feel echos of this in this conflict. The feeling of impotent rage can be almost overwhelming.
What can be personally helpful to recognise is ‘When did or do I feel powerless at the hands of another?'
Looking through the sharper lens that this conflict brings into focus - here in the UK 2 women a week are killed by their partners. 76% of all women are killed by someone by men they know.
I advocate for the following:
1. Recognise the behaviour for what it is.
2. Victimisation and gaslighting will make this hard - their narrative will never match with yours, their reality of their victimhood is so entrenched.
3. The only safety is distance.
4. Recognise this pattern can be so addictive as the deeply controlling, gaslighting, feeling of danger and being blamed, overlaid with charm fools is into thinking it's our fault. We can become trapped in the whilrwind of emotions and drama, constantly trying to figure out what we're doing wrong, to find the key that unlocks peace and love full time, instead of fleeting moments.
5. They are highly likely to charm others and lead them to believe it's all your fault too.
Does any of this resonate? This was the pattern of my childhood, my alcoholic mum fitting exactly this pattern. I've coached many who've had a parent or partner like this.
I believe it's important to do two things:
Firstly, to sit with our difficult feelings and really feel them. Rage, powerlessness, need our care. Understand these feelings. Seek their root cause.
It does not help us personally or the world to numb out and ignore the bad of what's happening as anger is a valuable source of both energy and inspiration for positive change.
Secondly, it benefits us to zoom out, to keep perspective and focus on all the good that is around us. Focus on love, on connection, on community, on mercy and compassion. On fun and laughter.
The sun will continue to rise and the world will continue no matter what we do - Chernobyl, two world wars, etc etc show us this - it's helpful to remember when things get dark.
My perspective on this conflict is that the everyday day people of Israel and Palestine want peace. They want to live good lives. They want their children to grow up healthy and happy and live long fruitful lives.
Every person deserves to be afforded ‘good life' as laid out by Ted Honderich regardless of race, religion, sexuality, gender, preference. This means to be afforded six fundamental human rights: decent length of life, bodily wellbeing, relationships, culture, respect, freedom and power in various settings.
To dehumanise anyone, any race or group is unacceptable. All lives matter.
Together we are stronger. Together we must stand up to bullies.
Democracy ONLY works if we hold our leaders to account. We must exercise our part of the democratic process: March to make our feelings know. Protest. Speak up.
And also rest. Love. Laugh. Connect to the ones we love and live in the light. Be so very mindful of our privileges that we are born into a country that is peaceful, that we are healthy, wealthy and safe, and never take this for granted.
Resources
To learn more and be better able to recognise narcissists:
https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-narcissistic-sociopath-4587611
https://thetcj.org/adoption/sociopath-fathers-the-charming-killers
https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/narcissistic-sociopath
https://theawarenesscentre.com/narcissistic-parent/
If you want to understand more around the bias in media and something of the roots of the Israel Palestine conflict you could explore:
- The Nakba
- Ted Honderich Philosopher
- Ghost Wars: The Secret History of the CIA, Afghanistan and Bin Laden
- The Making of the Modern Middle East: A Personal History
- Letters to my Palestinian Neighbour Letters to My Palestinian Neighbor
- Defence for Children International
- Breaking The Silence
- Laughing together the comedy tour
- HuckMag on Bias in the UK media
- EAVI study on Bias in the UK media
May all beings be healthy, happy and free from suffering. Peace.
