Extraordinary Love…is it even possible?
It’s just so easy to be ordinary. To get caught up in the mundane, domesticity of life. To blame our partner for our dissatisfaction. To numb out on our phone, the endless scroll or in front of the TV binging a series or few. To argue destructively and to avoid talking about what really matters. So very ordinary. Well. Fuck ordinary!
If you follow me, it’s likely you’re a bit of a rebel. You might not identify as one exactly, but it’s likely you might feel like the black sheep of your family or perhaps take the less obvious path in life. And this kind of rebellion is perfect and such rich territory for a much happier and more fulfilling life!
Fuck ordinary! Get inspired, be extraordinary, co-create extraordinary love.
This isn’t me bragging. It takes real work and partnership and much as I want to say I’m so very blessed with my partner Nav, yet the truth is I really put in the work and found an equal who was willing to walk the path of mastery in relationship with me. We have and continue to put in the work.
Yet when I say ‘work’ my experience tells me the effort of this ‘work’ is about the same as living ordinary yet the result is so radically different. In fact I’d say net-net, it is a lot lot less ball-ache to do the ‘work’ to live love extraordinary, particularly over time.
So let’s get into it. In this blog post we are going to explore exactly what it is and to uncover how it might even be possible….
The problem with long term relationships
Domesticity gets in the way: This is hard enough if you don’t have kids. When you have kids, your little people’s needs come first and you also have to contend with wearing the heavy hats of the roles of Mum and Dad. The domestic chores of running a household, paying the bills, dealing with the stress of life….urg.
Energy: It takes a little energy to fight this inertia. And it might be that our energy gets drained! Those little people again, a demanding career, juggling the needs of family and career or just the general decline of our energy levels as we age (what I personally feel SUCKS and is perhaps one of the worst aspects of ageing).
Familiarity breeds contempt: perhaps better said, passion is sparked by intrigue and uncertainty. A red flag we can notice is when we lose curiosity and believe we “know” our partner with nothing more to discover. I believe this is often a sign that we, or they have fallen ‘asleep’ and are in a rut. This is a paradox of relationship: we crave certainty, but when we get it, we go to sleep.
Why do affairs happen? What can we learn from this to keep our own passion alive?
Many many affairs happen because one may no longer feel seen or heard, understood or valued by their partner. Affairs often take people by surprise. It can also be the case one didn’t intend to cheat, yet someone paid them such close attention they found themsleves kind of hypnotised.
We all need attention, some of us are wired more highly than others. It is very wise to notice how much attention your partner needs to feel special and to give them this, no more, no less.
By this I mean most of the time. For me a hallmark of a healthy, resilient relationship needs 70% consistency.
In my couples therapy practice, it’s not uncommon for one to realise the other one needs more from them, yet they seem to believe this can be ignored without consequence. Perhaps because one is physically and/or emotionally tired and/or experiencing role fatigue.
If we are starving, our body will take over and force us to make unhealthy food choices. It’s the same with attention. We can have the best of intentions, but starve our partner of the right kind of attention and you leave your relationship vulnerable to external influence.
I’m not talking about sex here by the way. I’m talking about care and attention, your partner feeling valued by you. Urg, domesticity, low energy, familiarity can all get in the way here….this is just so ordinary!
What is it to be extraordinary? Make it practical for me!
Choose to save a bit of energy for ‘me’: To be interesting we need to be a) interested and b) maintain our own life, however small the slices, things that are just for us.
Take your power back, role model strong personal boundaries if this is an issue for you to claim that little bit of space needed to make this a reality. Perhaps it’s peace and quiet time for a bath, or a bike ride, or a social night out doing something fun with friends. This ‘me’ time is essential for there to be a healthy ‘us’.
Choose to save a bit of energy for ‘us’: Couples that thrive, extraordinary couples take time for ‘us’. They carve out what might be even just a little quality time for ‘we’ things. Might be date night, might be deep talk time, might be playtime. Whatever is your ‘we’ things, it’s just so ordinary to let life get in the way and for ‘us’ to get the crumbs. Fuck that. Be extraordinary and carve out quality time for ‘us’.
Be present: We are all bombarded by so many distractions, it’s just so ordinary to be multitasking your way through your day, barely if at all making eye contact with your partner. It is now a radical act to reclaim your focus. And I get it, we all get a bit tapped out and need scroll time. No one can maintain constant focus, that would be exhausting. Be extraordinary and pick your time, be intentional and choose when you’re going to give your partner your undistracted attention. Perhaps it’s over dinner. You choose when. You lead. You be consistent and you’ll be surprised how rapidly your relationship flourishes.
Be interested / and interesting: Attention is a powerful drug :) Remember when you first met? You were really curious about your partner. Yeah, it’s just so ordinary that you now find them boring. Extraordinary wake up from the slumber, shake off the cloak of everyday and to get curious. This means questions + interest in the answers. To use your ‘us’ time to discover more about each other again. Fun fact, your interest will make you interesting.
Play and fun: When was the last time you had fun together? The stress of life lays down layers of ‘dust’ that slowly build a barrier around us that blocks us from receiving the love that is all around us. Play, being silly, fun is the most extraordinary antidote that dissolve the blocks and open us up to love again.
Talk about what really matters: It’s just so ordinary for those barriers to build up and before we know it, we aren’t talking with our closest one about what really matters. There doesn’t seem to be a bridge between us and them any more. I think this happens because there are too many ‘unsaid’ things that are getting in the way….ooof….there is good news.
Rather than having to tackle this mountain, the extraordinary magic here is to start talking about what you LOVE and what you VALUE in the relationship. Yep things might be very ordinary, even shit right now, but what is it the US that you WANT to reclaim? What is great about your partnership?
Relationships have this reciprocal quality - what we put in we get out kinda thing. You might feel sorely unappreciated see my blog post on this topic - what I’m saying here is that from the seeds of genuine appreciation, mutual appreciation will grow.
Dream together: Honestly this is a funny one for us because I think Nav is allergic to some of the language here and can shut down if I use the ‘D word’. I’ve learned over time what he values and his boundaries, particularly around privacy, what he registers as interest vs nosiness.
It’s interesting to reflect on this because I need a dream for us probably much more than he does. Our ‘we’ needs a dream, a dream that’s dreamily dreamed rather than pinned on the fridge. This difference is pretty common.
Extraordinary recognises it’s important for him to understand what’s important to me, what I’m dreaming about, what future I want to create for myself and for us. It’s important for me to tease this out of him too and to find the language that helps him open up. And it might be the other way round for you in your relationship :)
So what one thing will you now do, to fuck ordinary and live extraordinary love? You don’t have to do it all at once….
A lot of what I share here is actually about you and how you show up in your life. I leave you with the thought that if you wake up to extraordinary, I can tell you for sure it will be more than your love that lights up ✨❤️✨ …what are you waiting for?
If not now, when?
What one thing will you now do?
