Shadow Love Languages: when love doesn’t feel like love.
Two people who love each other yet hurting in perhaps even greater measure because they don’t feel loved by the other. One or both feel hurt, let down, disrespected, angry.
Ouch. Such pain.
This kind of suffering really piques my interest because unnecessary suffering is fixable, often with less difficulty than living with the original problem itself.
If you’ve followed me for a while or read my blog, you’ll know I have found a lot of value in Gary Chapman’s work “The Five Love Languages”.
Through my coaching practice I’ve discovered another set of patterns. We might call these The Shadow Love Languages - Love Languages That Don’t Feel Like Love.
Worry
Criticism
Control…maybe escalating into Coercive Control
Arguments…maybe escalating into Violence
Drama…maybe escalating into things like cheating
I grew up in a household where domestic violence was common. My parents would get drunk and argue. Loaded with frustration my mum would goad my dad until he beat her, including physically provoking him. They were caught up in cycles of drama, arguments and violence that troubled them both. They apparently loved each other so deeply yet didn’t feel loved at all. So sad.
Getting caught up in, trapped in a relationship with these dynamics often isn’t great for either party. Like a junk-meal, highly addictive, oddly comforting but not good for us and ultimately not satisfying.
Reading the unbelievably awful P Diddy lawsuit cases; how Cassie Ventura got entangled with P Diddy who was initially supposed to be her mentor, who coercively controlled her and went on to seriously abuse her makes my soul squirm and rage.
The video ref is upsetting CCTV footage of P Diddy dragging Cassie out of a hotel suite and beating her in the corridor
What I seek in the work I do, in the knowledge and wisdom I share, is to free others from such misery. Figure out how to love each other, or realise you simply can’t meet each other's needs and move on without blame.
OR spot the red flags and walk away before getting entangled and ensnared by those who are dangerous, who seek to manipulate, control and destroy to satisfy their own pleasures.
In most cases, Couples therapy or relationship coaching is transformational, breaking the cycle, with awareness and improved relationship and communication skills leaving both parties much happier and more fulfilled, with peace of mind and heart even if they choose to separate and move on.
Why not all cases? Most cases fall on the spectrum of something like - using British TV as a reference - Love at First Sight to Olivia Attwood’s Bad Boyfriends.
There’s a line at which it’s less about love-plumbing, communication and relationship skills, much more about one wielding power, control and manipulation without empathy for the other. P Diddy as the flag bearer here has deeper issues outside the territory of Couples Therapy or Relationship Coaching.
We can see this reflected in published statistics around Intimate Partner Violence. In the UK for the year ended March 2023, 70% of victims of domestic homicide were women, 30% were men. Worryingly 49% of men are estimated not to report when they are victims of domestic abuse.
Life is hard enough without choosing a partner and creating a warzone in your own home. Far too many people sleep in a bed with someone they don’t trust or even like. We only get one life. Life is supposed to feel good. When our closest relationship nourishes and supports us, we are unstoppable!
What that nourishment and support looks like, sounds like, feels like is unique to each couple, I don’t believe there is one model, but finding yours, sorting out the wiring, upgrading your relationship smarts - so that you both feel all the love and grow together instead of apart…
…why wouldn’t you invest even just 3 sessions in exactly that? ✨❤️✨ #alllovematters
